Modern Art: Less Than Words Can Say

A world record price for the sculpture “Walking Man I”, by Alberto Giacometti, has made it the most expensive work of art ever sold at auction.

It fetched $US104.3 million at Sotheby’s London last week.

It beat the previous record of $104.2 million for Picasso’s painting “Garcon a la pipe”, which sold in May 2004.

The buyer of the 1.6 metre stickman-like figure chose to remain anonymous.

I do so love fearless multi-million dollar art purchases by anonymous art experts.

And only the crassest ignoramus would hold to the old-fashioned notion that seeing is believing.

That which you see is the first thing to disbelieve.

Therefore, if you can’t see the artistic merit of Giacometti’s work, you must believe it is worth $104m.

Yours, while maintaining no belief in personal austerity, a desire for frivolity, and a steely cold disdain for any decision not based on excessive alcohol consumption. If you came to this space for life lessons, God knows you’re gonna leave disappointed.

Righteous

p.s.  I was a dreamy little boy, and my mother always thought my penchant for finger painting on walls might lead me to become a famous artist. Instead, I lived my life inside a kilt.

The Power and the Mediocrity

I like to think of myself as the Dick Cheney of blogging – an unyielding proponent of greater and greater hostilities between everyone.

But Bill O’Reilly of FOX News always out-Cheney’s me.

Until now.

Bill O’Reilly, the circus freak of American politics, is swept into the turbulent waters of Jon Stewart’s immense debating skills.

Stewart stays strong.

O’Reilly gets jittery, and goes the finger wagging route.

Stewart does what quality journalism has a similar obligation to do – call out men with great power who are often led to exaggerate and prevaricate.

Jon Stewart battles Bill O’Reilly video

Bill O’Reilly. Get lost.

No, really.

Yours, while despairing that I could have married the royal princess as a reward for my bravery in the war, but for the machinations of that evil Archduke somebody-or-other, and his lesbian cabal

Righteous

p.s. Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen.

‘Scuse me while I kiss this cow

The University of Chicago published a paper in the journal ‘Earth Interactions’ that looked at the relative carbon footprints of plant-based and red-meat diets.

They found that the difference between a heavy meat-eating diet and a vegan diet was about 2 tons of carbon dioxide equivalent per person per year.

The difference between a Prius and a Hummer was 4.76 tons per year.

Note to the muppet fairies in training that are the climate change denying lunatic fringe – lacking the finer elements of conscience is not a sacred calling,  but simply indicative of an inextinguishable reserve of self importance.

But I do enjoy drawing laughter from your bottomless well of ignorance.

Yours, while printing out a picture of the Universe, taping it to the wall and throwing darts at it, but then the Universe started throwing the darts back at me. I think the game has changed.

Righteous

p.s. Forget climate change, Johnny Depp and Brad/Angelina – could anything be more terrible than this cold, windswept immensity that is the Heidi Montag plastic surgery debacle?

War in the City of Fires

I know it’s fashionable to get all gooey in the crotch about Kathryn Bigelow’s ‘Hurt Locker’ – but people,  it’s just a decent war movie.

Same old cliches:

1. death wish protagonist
2. conflicted platoon leader who hates, then respects death wish guy,
3. goofy guy who becomes collateral damage,
4. authority figure with heart of gold who gets blown up
5. overblown strings that draw attention to themselves in the bonding moment over a juice

Just because every war movie for the last seven years has been crap, doesn’t mean one that isn’t crap is great.

Yours, while getting on the ‘close the gap’ bus for Friday night drive-bys and shooting Tao sex aliens. Those drugs are really starting to work, can you get me some more?

Righteous

p.s. Just pay the parking ticket. Don’t be so outraged. You’re not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked.

Terrorism: we’re out of the woods (kind of)

Someone please explain to me how slowing up the security line by having some woman dig through her handbag to throw away a tube of half-used toothpaste will prevent another 9/11?

In these lines, my moods are unpredictable, my anger petty and vicious.

The lines are also creating newly minted domestic anarchists with only revenge scenarios on their minds – such as riding out from around the corner on a pair of white horses, firing blanks from my musket at the security personnel, and doffing my top hat to hide my face from police as I ride away, my tracks hidden by a cloud of pixie dust.

Granted, my terrorism scenarios tend to have a Mills & Boon quality to them – and I am always played by Ralph Fiennes – with my horses played by Colin Firth.

Yours, while thinking about changing my clothes, which is a big thought coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Woolworths store.

Righteous

p.s. I never knew Ralph Fiennes real name is Ralph Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes. That is not very badass at all.

Crocs are like drugs, only worse

January 1, 2010, was an auspicious day for the Czech Republic.

It is the day on which it will no longer be a criminal offence to use and possess illicit drugs, recognising the folly of the war on drugs.

This means individuals can have, for example, up to two grams of methamphetamine; up to 1.5 grams of heroin; up to one gram of cocaine; up to four ecstasy tablets; and up to 15 grams of marijuana.

Hopefully this will free up resources for the more important “War on Crocs” – the footwear that most resembles wearing tampons on your feet.

People wearing these often hilarious examples of banana peel footwear offer proof, at last, that bad taste is a nearly universal human failing, but confirms humans unique ability to be addicted to stupid new fashion trends.

The gateway drug of thongs should be looked at too, otherwise in one thousand years our descendants will be looking at cave paintings of Buddha and his teachings, and rock etchings of hideous footwear.

Yours, while going out into the garden to cut a cabbage-leaf to make an apple-pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street, popped its head in the front door and said “What! No soap?”, and we fell about playing a game of ‘catch me if you can’ until the gunpowder ran out.

Righteous

p.s. the best advice I can give you is that it is very imprudent to marry your barber

The United States of Lumpiness

A communist or a revolutionary would likely readily accept and admit that he is in fact a communist or a revolutionary. Indeed, many would doubtless take particular pride in claiming either of those appellations for themselves.

In America, the curtains are thin – the people fat. There. I said it. One, big, brutal reality check – you are fat, fat, fat – and you should not take pride in that.

Burgers served between two donuts, burgers topped with foie gras that cost $175 dollars, burgers topped with mozzarella sticks, and Hardees’ hideous 1,320-calorie 860-grams-of-fat Monster Thickburger.

Enough already.

America’s contribution to food culture is cheap, Andre the Giant sized and designed for mutants with 80 tongues.

This is a sad conclusion for the rotund descendants of the twenty-one intrepid people who plowed through the mountains in search of the sea to the west – and not one of those dudes were fat.

Ask not what your country can do for you, but how often you can try to eat your country, and leave room for dessert.

Yours, while shifting my pipe from one corner of my mouth to the other, and blinking a couple of times. The schnitzel is lovely.

Righteous

p.s. I like to tailgate people because it’s real important I show up to the nothing I have to do on time.

Big Lie Theory

Considering what a time suck MySpace, Twitter and Facebook are, I’m going to say it — half a billion users are wrong.

They have told all that could be told – and have been given abundant opportunity to expound upon their darling subject – themselves.

Social media reflexively accommodates the participants fears and desires, and it has become a mutual conspiracy to shelter and protect one another from their inevitable and final abandonment by normal people.

Mathematics is logical. People are erratic. Social media is incomprehensible.

Don’t waste my time. Waste theirs.

Yours, while climbing out on to a narrow ledge, waving cheerily at the people passing by on the street below, until my mother informed me that this was a mis-demeanour – and I was lured back inside. I must put that on my Facebook page.

Righteous Schimmelbusch

p.s. I can’t help feeling that in spite of a lot of evidence to the contrary, something is about to happen.

Sarah Palin and the science of secular Hobbitism

Sarah Palin’s book ‘Going Rogue’ has gone platinum.

A HarperCollins spokeswoman said that just two weeks after publication, Sarah Palin’s memoir has sold 1 million copies.

The print run for Going Rogue has been increased again, to 2.8 million copies. The original printing was 1.5 million.

Going Rogue joins a select club of million-selling political memoirs that includes Barack Obama’s ‘The Audacity of Hope’, Hillary Rodham Clinton’s ‘Living History’ and Bill Clinton’s ‘My Life’

Sarah Plain is indeed the pause that refreshes, and maybe, just maybe, this self appointed kingmaker is smarter than she appears.

For as long as I can remember, she has been referred to, within her hearing and without, as an intellectual invalid — an appellation that does not seem to distress her, and indeed appears to be one she herself cultivates.

Just as I feel honored, yet undeserving of the title  “novelist”, since I am merely a craftsperson, a cabinetmaker of texts and occasionally, I hope, a witness to our times – it therefore follows that Sarah Palin is the head cabinetmaker of stupid.

Yours, while writing to take revenge against reality.

Righteous

p.s. Sarah Palin will talk intelligently when she wants to. It isn’t like she knows the cure for cancer and she just isn’t fessing up.

Hung out to dry on the Facebook fence

And verily it came to pass.

Facebook has replaced e-mail as a more popular way to keep in touch with friends.

Facebook, the thinking man’s Myspace, is the second most popular communication tool, followed by text messaging and e-mail.

Phone calls are still the most popular way to communicate.

Facebook is now the most popular social network in the world, with over 350 million users.

Like smoking, or heroin, or glue sniffing – Facebook is a ritual and a habit, and it has all the force and goodness of a ritual, or habit.

Yours, while continuing my search for the Numinous Object, the Waters of Life, the Holy Grail, a truthful Facebook Profile – and also, any buried treasure I might find along the way.

Righteous

p.s. You worry too much. Eat some bacon … What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

The day Sharks made sense

These sharks are not wearing spandex, that’s why they are happy.

I had held a secret hope that my spandex excellent adventure would fail, and that I would have the chance not only to cope with, but to help palliate my pain over being forced into this spandex dark alley.

But it was neither excellent, nor an adventure.

Spandex has no redeeming features – it never has, and never will.

And the people who like spandex are loopy -  in a disturbingly fetish kind of way.

So, even though I have been widely praised by the spandex community as a humanitarian seeking to right the wrongs of denim excesses over the last 20 years, I hereby relinquish my leadership status within the Spandex Awareness Action Committee – as I am wholly indifferent to what propelles their interest in this most 80’s of fabric.

I will however contribute $5 to the ‘Save a Spandex Factory’ fund. It is the least I can do to contribute to the retraining of Spandex engineers, ease their transformation into a new economy and, as many hope, prop up the dinosaur Spandex industries.

Yours, while a swelling chorus has arisen outside my window to complain that I have been up to my old tricks. I diverted their attention by showering them with largesse ranging from washing machines – to bicycles and cash.

Righteous

p.s. I am often solicitous of the feelings and intense reactions of my readers to my challenging social commentary, but trying to shield them from the sickness that is the spandex fetish community has caused me significant emotional trauma – similiar to what Tiger Woods might presently be feeling.

There’s a party in my Spandex pants

Day 2 on the Spandex beat, and in my continuing search for all things Spandex, I ask one thing…….

Have you ever seen Sarah Palin wearing Spandex?

Everyone’s answer is no – but everyone also knows she would definitely own’s some Spandex.

I’m picking gold lame’ tights, which she definitely wears while watching her favourite reality wedding shows.

So, on to the Spandex business of the day…..

This I did not know.

There is a market for what is called Spandex extreme male cock wear.

There are also spandex penis display suits.

There is men’s Spandex thong swimwear

Also Spandex pouch only swimwear for men.

There are over the shoulder spandex fetish suits – and for those interested in the details, this type of spandex penis display pulls the cock and stretches it to its max size. This design also has spandex a ball splitter to enhance the look, and shows off the penis nicely. That’s good to know.

If you search for Spandex, you also get results for gay Japanese sex, nude oil wrestling, butt plug, fetish bank , gay sex party, gay pool party, tiny string bikinis photos, tiny string bikinis articles and stories, butt floss for men, butt floss for women, beach sex.

I had just run out of butt floss, so this reminded me that I must restock quickly. And I’m also down to my last butt plug.

Stay with me people, I have a feeling this is going to get worse.

Yours, while realising I have a deep and noble desire to fail in this Spandex reporting enterprise.

Righteous

p.s. a pat on the back is only 18 inches away from a kick in the pants, so let’s dance – in a Spandex penis display suit!

An open letter to the editors of WordPress: are you insanely foolish or closeted spandex lovers. Which is it dudes?

(actual photo of WordPress editor in locker room before mens jazzersize class yesterday afternoon)

How are you going WordPress editors?

God it’s been TOO long since we hung out.

Yesterday when I saw you was great. I really liked your outfit too. You look great in shoes. Have you lost weight?

Thanks for putting my spandex mens aerobics story on the WordPress homepage yesterday. Hey, how cool are homepages? I like them. Just another thing that you and I have in common.

I have lots of new friends thanks to you. And they’re all spandex lovers like me.

So, in the fatuous belief that a little spandex hocus-pocus in this blog will so dazzle readers that they’ll be too dazed to notice the quality of the writing – and the realisation that my calling in life may be limited to finding stories on spandex – here’s all that ’s hot, and not, in the spandex Universe today.

Katy Perry is Sporty in Spandex

Fat People in Spandex!

But now is the time to bite the hand that feeds.

If I am required to while away the rest of my life writing about spandex, and the fruitcakes who fetishize about it. I want something in return.

You go to www.cword.tv and watch the video podcasts – and I’ll write about spandex for the next 70 years, or til I die – whichever comes last (my commitment knows no earthly bounds).

This podcast is really good, and I have every reason to believe that the kids find it pretty hip. Once, I saw a guy watching it just after he’d finished listening to rap music through his cassette headphones. He had his hat on back to front as well.

So………… it sounds like a fair deal to me.

You watch the cword podcast.

I write about spandex.

And I get to feel like I’ve been punched in the face everyday. TWICE.

(Seriously, being Chinese burned to death would be more fun than writing about spandex)

Anyways, thanks again for this, I look forward to catching up soon. I don’t think I’ll have the salad next time. It was a bit underwhelming.

Yours, while wondering why my life has come to this, and what I did to deserve it, and how can I deal with being the Perez Hilton of spandex

Righteous

p.s. being on the WordPress homepage is not very manly. You have possibly not considered this before, but such things are the purpose of my blog. It’s what I call a ‘transfer of knowledge’.  Being on your homepage is like wearing dangly ear-rings – just too obvious. Now I have to care what people think about what I write, and believe me, we both know I’m too busy to do that.

p.p.s. ok, one more spandex item, you can never get too much of a good thing

Cute college girl tight lycra spandex

Fashion ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

This is not manly.

And it is so wrong on so many levels.

The 1987 Dance Aerobics Championship video

I have carefully studied the exploits of these positive role models, and I will attempt to emulate their radiant bonhomie in future.

But first, I have some other issues to take care of.

Yours, while negotiating an arrangement between myself and the owner of the sheep, while accepting full blame for the incident involving the straying animal, as long as the unpleasantness of public disclosure and paperwork could be avoided.

Righteous

p.s. what’s with these men’s Willy Lomanesque emphasis on the importance of being liked?

The Year of Living Orgasmically

The facts on Miss Universe contestants?. You can’t handle the facts.

Two former Miss Universe contestants are stealing the sex tape scandal spotlight, after a home video hit the web reportedly featuring Miss Japan 2008 and Miss Trinidad and Tobago 2008 fully engaged in a hardcore three-way – with some dude, reportedly a professional photographer.

Hiroko Mima (Japan) and Anya Ayoung-Chee (T&T) both competed in the 2008 Miss Universe pageant.

This was apparently eight months after the pageant and neither were the reigning titleholder.

Meanwhile at the Miss Universe show bar……..

Yes waiter, I’ll have my drink now – two parts reality, no parts myth.

This is not as easy as ticking a box on the Miss Universe entry form.

Yours, while taking the panic out of pandemic

Righteous

p.s. and the winner is…………….me

This is how Democracy works

Even in tough times, it’s good to be a lawmaker: there are 237 millionaires serving in the 2008 Congress.

While about one percent of Americans are millionaires, 44 percent of those serving in Congress can claim as much.

The richest member of Congress is Republican California Rep. Darrell Issa, whose net worth is estimated to be in excess of $250 million. He’s followed by four Democrats: California’s Jane Harman (approx. $245 million), Wisconsin’s Herb Kohl (approx. $215 million), Virginia’s Mark Warner (approx. $210 million) and Massachusetts’ John Kerry (approx. $209 million).

Among the top 25 wealthiest legislators, there are 14 Democrats and 11 Republicans, suggesting no clear wealth divisions between party.

-CBS News Political Hotsheet

These political stars, for whom Rudolph Valentino and Gloria Swanson might stand as archetypes, are chauffeured about cities in exotic automobiles, live on great estates, and spend fortunes on their couture.

So it is good to see, in the midst of a recession, that red America politicians and blue America politicians have come together, in a way, through collective political wealth and silk shirt bipartisanship.

And every day, the mirrors they look into tell them that they are pretty fuckin’ awesome.

Yours, while realising that never has it cost so much to dress, and still look like you’re just coming home from the mill or the assembly line.

Righteous

p.s. those who love me will eagerly wait in lines wrapped around the block to show their support for this blog. Remember, this story’s about me and how I perceive the day’s events, not reality. Like Lady GaGa, I am a Fame Monster. Like Lady GaGa, I am a hermaphrodite.

Fuck Grapefruit

Finally, a scientific analysis of fruit and vegetable shopping.

Now I know why I’m not going to name my first kid Grapefruit.

I’m pro-banana and fucking proud of it.

Bananas are being  held down by the man, and standardized tests which don’t show cultural citrus bias.

This is why the internet was invented.

Yours, while realising that this issue is not germane to the present discussion about whether Iran has nukes, but it is more important.

Righteous

p.s. The world loves tomatoes, but no one gets that tomatoes don’t need to love the world.

p.p.s much rrrrespect to http://xkcd.com/388/. Props.

George W Bush owns this story. No refunds allowed

The CIA relied on intelligence based on torture in prisons in Uzbekistan, a place where widespread torture practices include raping suspects with broken bottles and boiling them alive, says a former British ambassador to the central Asian country.

Craig Murray, until 2004 the UK’s ambassador to Uzbekistan, said the CIA not only relied on confessions gleaned through extreme torture, it sent terror war suspects to Uzbekistan as part of its extraordinary rendition program.

“I’m talking of people being raped with broken bottles,” he said at a lecture late last month. “I’m talking of people having their children tortured in front of them until they sign a confession. I’m talking of people being boiled alive. And the intelligence from these torture sessions was being received by the CIA, and was being passed on.”

Now, I know the critics see George W Bush and his  sado-conservatives  as a hypocritical bunch of strict disciplinarians with an unhealthy obsession with anal sex – and this has earned him a reputation as an unfeeling martinet.

But he was doing these rogues a favour.

At first, the prisoners hate and fear the torture, but gradually they come to realize that George W is turning them into real men, capable of learning skills that will help them survive a cruel and unfair world.

A little broken bottle anal rape never hurt anyone, and it straightened me out quick smart when I was a young fella – and I didn’t turn out too bad.

Yours, while crying a silent tear for the stolen innocence of a sad past

Righteous

p.s. Hey-eee, come down here boy to deee Mahoo Bar. I buy you drinky drink, yes? I marry you and your brother? I have you baby? We drink to this boy, yes. Mahooooo! I feel goooood tonight………..nope, broken bottle anal rape never effected me at all.

Gregory Peck and Transformers: the cage match

Gregory Peck was a manly man

Seth McFarlane is a funny man

And Transformers are robots that make manly noises

This is what happenes when you put those three things together.

Seth MacFarlane does Gregory Peck doing Transformers video

Yours, while having an existenial moment, and it’s a buttock clencher

Righteous

p.s no, that’s not water you can hear coming through the hull, no, no, that’s applause, coming from the crowd on shore. No, they’re not panicking, they are waving at my magnificent barge. Sail on, you beautiful thing – will someone get those fish out of my eyes?

You’ve got to memorize what’s important, so you can make the rest your own

Want a job?

Want a job at Google?

Google wants people who want to change the world.

Even if you meet that lofty requirement, you then have the interview if you want to work there.

Seattle job coach Lewis Lin put together a list of 140 questions his clients have been asked by Google.

Here are a few…

1. How many golf balls can fit in a school bus?
2. How much should you charge to wash all the windows in Seattle?
3. Which country only wants boys.
4. How many piano tuners are there in the entire world?
5. Why are manhole covers round?
6. Design an evacuation plan for San Francisco
7. How many times a day does a clock’s hands overlap?
8. Explain the significance of “dead beef”
9. A man pushed his car to a hotel and lost his fortune. What happened?
10. You have eight balls all of the same size…7 of them weigh the same, and one of them weighs slightly more. How can you find the ball that is heavier by using a balance and only two weighings?
11. Explain a database in three sentences to your eight-year-old nephew.

When I was asked these questions at Google – I listened attentively, putting on and removing my heavy tortoise-shell glasses, and I lent across the table and said……..

“In times of catastrophe we allow public officials to declare “states of emergency” that replace some normal rules. I am declaring my own state of emergency due to my feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure”.

Google replied that “your campaign was colorful and gave us plenty of material to laugh about – but generally speaking, sarcastic humor seems to have replaced outright intelligence in your case”.

My verbal carpet bombs and kinetic escalation of violence aren’t for everyone apparently

Yours, while on the surface gaining the confidence of the men who I plan to double cross.

Righteous

p.s. closer inspection of this blog reveals it for what it really is – a daily seven-and-a-half-minute love letter to the art of self, with an ironclad belief in the worlds I’ve created, and an ability to reverse the age-old literary device of “show not tell”. Immigration authorities found 3 kilos of pure cocaine hidden in the footnotes of the blog as well.

The Democratisation of Ball Sports: you mean they’re just like us?

It’s worth considering the revelations contained in Agassi’s autobiography titled ‘Open’ published last month.

The five-times Grand Slam champ’s confessed that he:

• used crystal meth,
• took speed before matches
• and lied to tennis authorities about it when caught.

Up to this point, I was down with Agrassi – he sounded like one of the boys from the ‘hood, particularly Ernesto from number 19, apart from the fessing up to tennis authorities bit.

But it was Agassi’s admission that he wore a mullet wig for much of the 1990s that has me upset.

Andre, let’s get this straight, you mean you went into a wig shop, and faced with a 100 different hair styles to choose from – in the 1990’s – you choose a mullet???

You put this dead raccoon on your head and said to yourself  “I like this. It makes me look hot”

This has made me question everything I know about Agassi.

Is your name even Andre Agassi?

You sure it’s not Raccoonhead?

Yours, while being tilted, taunted and shafted by my teenage role models. Damn you Hulk Hogan. Why is it only now obvious that you were filled to the gills with steroids. Is it you who I blame for causing me to doubt the legitimacy of wrestling, and it’s role in society?

Righteous

p.s. an undercover cop’s gotta be Marlon Brando . . . . you gotta be naturalistic as hell — ’cause if you ain’t a good actor — you a bad actor, and bad actors is bullshit in this job. Same for blogging Samuel. Same for blogging.

Johnny Depp is too sexy for his pants

Hugh Jackman has passed the Sexiest Man Alive crown to Johnny Depp, who has claimed the title from America’s People magazine for a second time.

“At 46, Johnny Depp, the father of two still reigns as Hollywood’s most irresistible iconoclast; as one-of-a-kind as his beloved 15-year-old boots and as smouldering as his favourite Cuban cigars,” the magazine said on its website.

Depp caught People’s attention not so much for his swashbuckling antics in the Pirates franchise or his freakish charm in Edward Scissorhands, but his softer side as a family man.

The slightly built actor who often sports a wispy goatee beard and floppy hair beat out 33-year-old actor Ryan Reynolds, who starred in The Proposal, and Jake Gyllenhaal of Brokeback Mountain.

Depp also won the magazine’s Sexiest honour in 2003, making him, George Clooney and Brad Pitt the only three male stars to win the title twice.

I would like to point out that this is the third year in a row that Matthew McConnaughy hasn’t won the title.

How can any competition be taken seriously that allows this injustice to happen? 3 TIMES!

I have been yelling at the People website ever since in my own particular angry patois – an unapologetic stream of abuse far more creative than any Marine drill instructor or master rapper.

Yours, while speaking the vernacular of human bitterness and agony

Righteous

p.s. Warning: The style of this blog is almost pure irony, and will offend many readers, although in no sense is it exaggerated. Then again, that depends on what your definition of exaggeration is.

Thrills ‘n’ skills while lifting heavy things

Heavy squats are real man’s business, and good for de-souling the body – or de-bodying the soul.

Take your pick.

And then there are those guys that put over 500 kgs on their shoulders and squat.

Er, why?

Anyone who thinks powerlifting should logical should think again.

Mike Miller’s world record 1220lb IPA Squat Video (553kg)

Yours, while laughing at Rusty the Narcoleptic because the spice is right.

Righteous

p.s. I’m twice the talker I was yesterday, but half  that I will be tomorrow – and yet this is totally useless when you don’t like communicating.

The roots of Metrosexuality explained

A US study has come to the conclusion that chemicals used to soften up household items may also be making a new generation of soft blokes.

Phthalates are used on household items and are present in processed food.

New evidence suggests boys who were exposed to high levels of the chemicals in utero are less masculine.

Professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at the University of Rochester in New York, Shanna Swan, says some phthalates inhibit testosterone production during pregnancy.

Any food that is processed tends to go through plastic tubing, containers, buckets – and particularly if the food is heated along the way, and the phthalates will come out from the plastic. They are not chemically bound and will get into the food.

Oh what a manly feeling.

This is obviously a campaign by neo-fascist lesbian food engineers to rule the world — although this theory may not be wholly right.

However, jumping to conclusions based  on incomplete or superficial research has never stopped me before – so now I’m calling for a campaign of civil disobedience against feminine food – right after I have my special lemon infused alfalfa tea.

Yours, while trying out my new special lemon infused alfalfa shampoo. My hair is in heaven.

Righteous xxx

p.s. I had my soul removed and put into storage, but now – for the life of me – I can’t remember where I put the key.

Scientology to Xenaphon: chooks away

Independent Senator Nick Xenophon used a speech in Parliament to raise allegations of widespread criminal conduct within The Church of Scientology, saying he had received letters from former followers detailing claims of abuse, false imprisonment and forced abortion.

He says he has passed on the letters to the police and is calling for a Senate inquiry into the religion and its tax-exempt status.

“I am deeply concerned about this organisation and the devastating impact it can have on its followers,” he told the Senate.

A spokeswoman for the church, Virginia Stewart, says she is shocked to hear Senator Xenophon’s claims, as no-one within the church seems disgruntled.

“If these people had issues, then how come they haven’t contacted the church officially?” she said.

Exactly.

The Church of Scientology is a world I grew up in, and the only issues I ever had were:

1. was the cat eating enough

2. what would I do if my mother was off somewhere and got sucked up by a tornado.

Yours, while repeating myself again by going down this rutted and grooved road, and beside the road are those familiar ditches.

Righteous

p.s. Warning: this blog contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).

I Have Never Knowingly Taken Steriods Part 4

He was standing on the porch with his shirt off, sipping a mug of coffee. His left arm glinted in the morning sun — from the bicep down, it was entirely made of metal.

He gazed out at the wide desert landscape, hazy in the morning light. Of medium height, with blue eyes and dark hair, he was handsome in a rugged kind of way.

Once upon a time, he had been small.

But now he was one of the Seven Wonders of the Modern Manly World.

And since that day nearly two years ago when had started not knowingly taking steriods, he had lived out here in splendid isolation, away from missions, away from the world, only traveling to town to pick up the vitamins that made him feel so good and huge.

But on his way back to home, near the abandoned nickel mine behind his farmhouse, he came across a small boy.

And the small boy asked “Hey mister, are they gunboats on the horizon, or your biceps?

The man smiled the knowing smile, and said “Pow. Pow. Little fella”.

And all was right in the universe.

Yours, while knowing, with every fiber in my body, that Shane Carwin will destroy Brock Lesnar in UFC 108 in Las Vegas for the heavyweight title on January 2, 2010, and PJenner15’s adoration of Lesnar will finally be done and dusted. Light my fire bitch.

Righteous

p.s. I think Carwin will win the fight by………..ummm………………MURDER.

The science of metrosexuality gone wrong

Men have become so openly affectionate with each other using mobile technology they’ve taken to signing off text messages to male friends with a kiss (x), giving rise to a new generation dubbed “metrotextuals”.

New research from mobile phone firm T-Mobile reveals nearly a quarter of men (22 per cent) regularly include a kiss on texts to their male mates, T-Mobile said.

“Metrotextuality” is most widespread among 18-24 year old males with three quarters (75 per cent) regularly sealing texts with a kiss and 48 per cent admitting that the practice has become commonplace amongst their group of friends.

Nearly a quarter of this age group (23 per cent) even appreciate an “x’ in a text exchange from people that aren’t close friends.

But it’s not just younger men that have become metrotextuals – one in 10 men over 55 often completes a text to another male with a kiss, according to the poll.

The research also revealed there’s a certain etiquette within metrotextuality.

A lower case “x’ is the preferred sign-off for most (52 per cent) compared to 17 per cent for a bolder upper case X), with one in three sharing the love in a big way with multiple lower case kisses (xxx).

Oh good god.

This is why rom-coms exist, and why rom-com directors need to be killed.

Yours, while being desperate to avoid being defined as a metrotextual  by becoming a hard man for a long while – covering over my sensitivity and capacity for empathy with a carapace of arrogance.

Righteous

p.s. I am so neurotically insecure about my abilities that I seek to hide them within dense arcane theories.

I Have Never Knowingly Taken Steriods. Part 3 Fabio gets massive

Hey fella, nice speedos you got on there.

Your cup runneth over.

Yours, while realising that if one of us goes missing, heaven forbid, then the king’s forces will be diminished.

Righteous

p.s. I have survived long enough to realise that I have become an era.

Finding Christopher Walken’s equilibrium

Christopher Walken performs Lady Gaga’s modern classic ‘Poker Face’ as it was surely originally intended – as a spoken word piece:

I think my water broke while listening to that.

Yours, while inventing a credibly grim scenario for our future where most of the earth’s inhabitants are infected with a deadly virus and roam aimlessly in fetid cities while the moon bleeds, and Christopher Walken reads the voiceover.

Righteous

p.s. Jesus loves porn stars, but the majority of porn stars don’t love Jesus.

Under Dr Phil’s intoxicating spell

Since I take all my life lessons from Dr Phil, I decided to do some research to find out what makes him tick.

Dr Phil “Dr Phil” McGraw holds a doctoral degree in psychology, he is not licensed as a psychologist or a mental health practitioner in any state.

Once upon a time, McGraw really was licensed as a clinical psychologist. But in 1989, the Texas board that licenses psychologists disciplined him for an inappropriate “dual relationship” with a 19-year-old patient. (McGraw denies the young woman’s claim that the relationship was sexual.) He was ordered to take an ethics class and have his practice supervised for a year.

Since McGraw is a celebrity icon rather than a licensed professional, he is not governed by any code of medical ethics or by the state and federal rules and regulations that apply to licensed clinical psychologists.

Interestingly, ‘Get real’ is his catch phrase.

If you want to clean your metaphorical cock on this blog Dr Phil, at least bring some original ideas to the table.

But you do look very manly in your hall of mirrors.

You light my fire.

Yours, while listening to Dr Phil’s voice drone on – hypnotic and soporific – making the gloom beyond the windows like the backdrop of a waking dream.

Righteous

p.s. Thousands of people have talent. The one and only thing I have is staying power. When I can be bothered.

Are you there Tom?. It’s me L. Ron Hubbard, with some Xmas ideas.

Spread some Christmas crazy with the Scientology Holiday Catalogue.

http://orgsaroundtheworld.wordpress.com/2008/11/11/2008-scientology-dianetics-holiday-catalog/

“In celebration of the Golden Age of Knowledge for Eternity, this year’s catalog includes special holiday packages, so you can bring the gift of Source to yourself, your family, friends and associates. Within these pages are materials you need for your journey on the road to truth. From the spectacular editions of the Beginning Books and Audiobooks through The Basics and Congresses, these truths have inspired, enlightened and changed the lives of millions”

Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy.

This holiday season, I’ll be getting frisky and give myself and those I hate the gift of sweet, spicy irony wrapped in a pretty bow while watching for the puffs of white and black smoke from the chimney atop of hypocracy hill.

With so much crazy, Scientology is the gift that keeps on giving.

Hey friend, let the wild rumpus start.

Yours, while being toilet trained at gunpoint.

Righteous

p.s. I am not the Messiah, I am just a very geeky boy-toy who thinks Scientology is the religious equivalent of Woody Allen post ‘Manhattan’.

Spread some Christmas crazy with the Scientology Holiday Catalog. A million thank yous to the reader who mailed me the Dianetics & Scientology Holiday catalog! With so much crazytown inside, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

The full Boony

The man in charge of Foster’s multimillion dollar sponsorship budget said that the group’s award winning talking VB Boony Doll had ”normalised binge drinking”.

Speaking at the national conference of Sponsorship Australasia, Chris Maxwell, national sponsorship manager for Fosters Group, called on the whole industry to work together to promote responsible alcohol marketing to fend off prohibitive legislation.

The talking Boony doll was a caricature of the cricketer David Boon.

Along with a Beefy doll representing Ian Botham, the dolls had implanted sound chips which were triggered by TV coverage of the cricket.

One of Boon’s claims to notoriety was consuming 52 cans of beer on a flight from Sydney to London before the 1989 Ashes.

This is all well and good, but the more I drink, and the more I get to know men, the more I find myself loving the Boony doll.

Yours, while playing with melodramatic themes, but putting aside the temptation to scream or otherwise let the emotions take over.

Righteous

p.s. If you you’ve seen a one trick pony – you’ve seen me

I Have Never Knowingly Taken Steriods. Part 2

Those bamboozled into believing palpable untruths that are recognized as such by the larger community are likely, in time,  to develop an attitude of resentment and outright paranoia rather than self-esteem.

But steriods are the stuff men’s dreams are made of.

Yours, while watching my still-twitching credibility being staked out on an ant-bed of vicious rumour and emotional in-fighting.

Righteous

p.s.  I speak as I feel, without reserve or softening, and my main themes are bitter and truculent when I’m excited.

The Annals of Arrogance. An idiots guide to George W Bush

Robert Maranto and Richard E. Redding have written “Judging Bush” – just out from Stanford University Press .

A few quotes and a sense of the argument……

SAT scores and other available measures indicate that Bush had sufficient intelligence to serve as president.

Bush scored a 1200 on the SAT (roughly equaling 1300 on today’s re-normed SAT), placing him in the top 16% of all college applicants.

He had better grades than the smarter-seeming John Kerry.

The authors also peg the best estimate of Bush’s IQ at 120-125, in the top 10% of the population and above average for a college graduate — about the same as estimated for Eisenhower and Ford.

The leading personality theory (the “5-Factor Model”), as measured by the NEO Personality Inventory, suggests that Bush is highly extraverted but not very agreeable or conscientious.

They suggest that Bush lacks integrative complexity and thus views issues without nuance.

The problem with Bush’s leadership style was never lack of intelligence. It was something much closer to intellectual laziness or lack of curiosity.

In summary of the president’s personality, the authors write, “Bush is an extraverted, domineering, and somewhat adventurous and impulsive individual, lacking in conscientiousness, who is intelligent but relatively superficial and unreflective.”

I ask whether retrospective impeachment based on personailty flaws could become another arrow in the quiver of the Democrat warrior class?

With spirit I join the debate, at times ugly and vicious, about the historicity and legitimacy of the Bush reign.

Yours, while being hired as God’s ghostwriter for the 2010 edition of The Bible. He doesn’t pay very well.

Righteous

p.s.  I am a man’s man – a belief I have come to  since I have been told numerous times that I am not a ladies man.

Memo to Miley Cyrus from Kanye West……..yo Miley, Beyonce had the best album of last year. Memo to Kanye West from Miley….fuck off idiot

Even her fellow teens and tweens are sick of Miley Cyrus’ slanty-eyed pictures and pole dancing hijinks.

The Disney starlet was voted Worst Celebrity Influence of 2009, winning out over drunk-driving Shia LaBeouf, racy-photo-posing Vanessa Hudgens, Taylor-Swift-interrupting Kanye West, and the self-explanatory Britney Spears.

So, it’s not alright to be tight with Miley anymore?

Doesn’t look like it will be a white wedding and white picket fence forever future for us then.

My celebrity friendships are marked by constant diligence, suffocating attention, unremitting praise and persistent payments to their minders.

Yours, while moving in a clumsy manner with heavy feet.

Righteous

p.s. I would love you even if you were incontinent Miley

An intellectual policeman is like an ocean breeze in the outback

Here is an extract from one of the case notes of complaints against NT police documented in the 2008-2009 annual report to the local Parliament by the NT Ombudsman.

The Ombudsman’s case note detailed the treatment by NT Police at an unnamed station to “a complainant who was taken into custody for breaking and entering, and who had subsequently fallen asleep outside the premises, due to being highly intoxicated, and who was arrested at the scene.”

Even before he made it to the cells he was getting the full benefit of the cop’s limited vocabulary:

“The complainant could be heard mumbling something whilst he was seated on the bench, although it was not discernable as to what was said. One of the attending officers responded with “shut your face”. Further comments made to or about the complainant within the next 30 minutes included “dumb fuck”, “fucking loser”, “dickhead over there”, “fucking retard”.

“In addition to the inappropriate comments identified above the duty officer was heard and observed making the following statements to or about the complainant:

“stupid fucking idiot”

“make things quite clear, … if you wanna fuckin’ play up I’ll make things hard for you”

“God, he fucking stinks”

Two officers were joking about the complainant hitting his head against the cell door because he wasn’t given a blanket. One officer stating that the complainant had said he would jump in the air and land on his head killing himself. The officer then stating “go ahead, do it”. The other officer stating “make sure you do it in front of the cameras”.

After the officer established that the complainant was dialling his wife, against whom he had a domestic violence order, the officer said “get back in your fucking cell you spastic” “you’ve got a domestic violence order that says you are not allowed to contact her, you fucking wanker.

I have always enjoyed familiar talk with the local constabulary. Easy, unrestrained, unceremonious conversation is the hallmark of good communication, and shooting the breeze about sports, neighborhood scuttlebutt, off-color jokes exposed me to their finer use of the English language.

My stay in jail lasting but a short, fleeting time, but my vocabulary increased measurably, certainly much more than 12 years of schooling.

The white majority have no reason to feel like they will be dispossessed when the revolution starts.

Yours, while realising consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative

Righteous

p.s. Lizards are patrolling the landscape, and giant tortoises are galumphing on the beaches. My dreams have turned into a David Lynch/Richard Attenborough co-production.

I have never knowingly taken steroids. Nope. No way. Part 1

Like the wide margins publishers use to eke out a skimpy text, and which make the novel seem bigger than it is, bodybuilding is like the prodigious footnotes that get in the way of what is, basically, a simple parable.

Man, them’s some quads.

Yours, while getting what you’re trying to achieve. Actually. No, I don’t. But I like it.

Righteous

p.s. It pays to look around, just to see who might be in harm’s way when the pieces start to fly

Refreshed. Refined. But engulfed in flames. Again

Former Biggest Loser host Ajay Rochester has threatened to sue Woman’s Day.

Rochester, who once weighed 140kg and now claims to weigh 53kg, sold the story of her weight loss to rival magazine New Idea.

She posed in a hot pink bikini showing her new body on the cover of the magazine last week, but unflattering pictures of her stomach were published in Woman’s Day.

The article said the 40-year-old has “stretch marks” and “baggy skin” as a result of her massive weight loss and published pictures that highlighted her imperfections.

The story is in stark contrast to the glamorous pictures that appeared in New Idea of Rochester pool-side in LA sporting a flat, toned stomach and a movie-star blonde mane.

In May this year she said that she was going to Hollywood to meet Oprah.

“I’m totally going to stalk her,” she said “I created this whole website, I’m going to stalk celebrities in Hollywood and interview them online.”

Rochester is no stranger to controversy — in November she pleaded guilty to 23 fraud-related charges after admitting she incorrectly collected single parent payments from Centrelink.

Firstly,  Ajay, you should stop licking on slurpees, because your face seems to have become frozen.

And also – were you the whole audience for The Jerry Springer Show when you were fat?

However, on your behalf, I have dialled ‘O’ for outrage I am so pevved by Woman’s Day.

How dare they show photos that are contrary to your carefully crafted PR strategy, for which you would have paid some hack thousands of dollars – and which is crucial to your pathetic TV career

Do they have no shame?

How ignoble.

Yours, while wondering if that is a dog whistle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me.

Righteous

p.s.  Scientists have produced a new Viagra for women. It’s called jewellery

Who’s a pretty boy then?

In a preview of minor happenings, the “Hottest Heads of State” poll has been completed – and PM Kevin Rudd has been ranked number 93 on the list of sexiest world leaders, one place lower than the Prime Minister of the Bahamas Hubert Ingraham and just ahead of Romania’s Emil Boc.

Topping the list is Yulia Tymoshenko Prime Minister of Ukraine with Jens Stoltenberg, Prime Minister of Norway, in second place and Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck, the King of Bhutan, in third.

Backed by soaring sax and energetic percussion, I celebrate Kevin’s success in this poll, and also his fleshy pink color, womanly manly curves and his train wreck gracefulness with some celebratory Spanish party music and warm weather cocktails.

Yours, while being exposed by my enemies to contempt and shame by false statements and misrepresentation, but I am still devoted and attentive to them and their neo-primitive humour

Righteous

p.s. The world is downcast and dog eared, and anger is all the rage

Pink bits: the absurd world of gender curious celebrity fashion

Critics rip Lindsay Lohan’s fashion collection to shreds.

Lindsay Lohan and Spanish designer Estrella Archs showed off their collaborative Spring 2010 collection in Paris.

And the Fashion World’s Mean Girls could simply not stop ragging on how bad it was.

There were the heart-shaped pasties. …

‘It’s not good to show your nipples, so they should be covered,’ Lohan wisely said, referring to the omnipresent heart-shaped pasties. This did not explain why some models wore larger versions of the heart-shaped pasties on their foreheads.

Womens Wear Daily called the collection “an “embarrassment,” among other things.

“The clothes looked cheesy and dated. Hot pink, orange and flashy, with an overworked heart motif relentless in its execution, the collection displayed none of the promised younger side Lohan was supposed to deliver.

Backstage, Lindsay admitted the brightly colored collection was a rush job.

Hmmmm.

Personally, blatant symbolism combined with outrageous bad taste is, for me, a special pipeline into high-level alarming psychological condition of celebrities suffering from delusions of grandeur.

I have been reduced to a bad case of quivering agoraphobia, but I am wearing heart shaped pasties.

Yours, while being smarter than everyone else put together, smarter than my boss, than the people at the bank, than anyone in your family or mine.

Righteous

p.s. I like to elicit confabulations rather than actual memories to construct my world view and self image.

If this boat is a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin

This is an image of ship tracks off the west coast of the US captured by NASA’s Terra satellite on October 5.

These are different in composition, and larger and more enduring than jet contrails.

First recognised as being formed by the exhaust plumes of ships in 1965, they are now being seen by some researchers as one of the major causes of global warming.

Ship tracks cool the atmosphere by blocking incoming solar radiation … good … and inhibit rainfall … bad, very bad.

Ships burn heavy-grade marine diesel fuels that emit sulphur dioxide and have in studies been seen as adding to the load of industrially released sulphate aerosols that characterise the skies over China, India and other areas of major metal smelting and manufacturing activity.

This makes for tense reading, since I long for the old days of trans-atlantic sea voyages – but then again, those journeys mainly amounted to wishful foraging of old rich widows with whom I could become intimate, thereby ensuring I would never have to work again.

You know you want it baby.

Yours, while receiving praise as a poet, but this may have been from the mouths of sycophants hungry for patronage.

Righteous

p.s. It’s hard being the only Jew in the village

The Write Stuff

Here is what then White House speech writer William Safire actually wrote for US President Richard Nixon in 1969 as a contingency should disaster befall Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on the surface of the moon.

Notice the lack of detail, but the openness of the writing – designed to let the memory fill in the gaps with what would have been remembered of the disaster.

“THE BE READ BY PRESIDENT IN EVENT OF MOON DISASTER:

Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace.

These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.

These two men are laying down their lives in mankind’s most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding.

They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by the nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.

In their exploration, they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man.

In ancient days, men looked at the stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood.

Others will follow, and surely find their way home. Man’s search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they will remain the foremost in our hearts.

For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind.

PRIOR TO THE PRESIDENT’S STATEMENT:

The President should telephone each of the widows-to-be.

AFTER THE PRESIDENT’S STATEMENT, AT THE POINT WHEN NASA ENDS COMMUNICATIONS WITH THE MEN:

A clergyman should adopt the same procedure as a burial at sea, commending their souls to “the deepest of the deep,” concluding with the Lord’s Prayer”

Lays it on thick, but so real its unreal.

Yours, while building fantasies and traumas that fit into my grand narrative scheme.

Righteous

p.s. I am responsible for extraordinary pranks in ordinary places, but I am still gloomy and sullen in disposition.

extraordinary pranks in ordinary places

Local writer puts in his two bob’s worth. Coins are rejected. Has to go without Mars Bar.

Which modern book has most shaped world literature the most?

Gabriel García Márquez’s seminal novel ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’ is the piece of writing that has most shaped world literature over the past 25 years, according to a survey of international writers

Barack Obama’s memoir, Dreams from My Father, also makes an appearance on the list.

Salman Rushdie made the list twice, for The Satanic Verses and Midnight’s Children, while VS Naipaul was nominated for A House for Mr Biswas, Ben Okri for The Famished Road and JM Coetzee for Disgrace.

This is all very well, but books full of wild talk about decadence and beauty should be banned.

Who needs books.

Go listen to the preacher.

That’s all I ever needed.

Books are written in the optimistic belief that open debate beats scuttlebutt – but really, they just cause deep, dark currents of fear amongst my subjects. Furthermore, the plebians, not knowing how to interpret certain facts and figures correctly, may end up vilifying the ruling class for becoming fat off the sweat of the unfortunates.

That never ends well, and must be avoided at all costs.

Get that agony off your face peasant!

Yours, while looking with a aesthetes eye at the wild modernist innovations of 1920’s interior design, which has been slowly dissipated by a new gospel of icy austerity and self-control.

Righteous

p.s. The more I scrub it, the more it bleeds. Life is becoming monochrome before my eyes. I think I am metaphorically bleeding to death and am regressing through the colour spectrum.

This is not a game of who the fuck are you

Eddie Izzard is a two-time Emmy winning British stand-up comedian and actor.

He is also known for his transvestism.

Izzard describes himself as an “underground” transvestite, rather than a “weirdo” transvestite (he cites J. Edgar Hoover and Hermann Göring as examples of the latter)

His comedy style is expressed in rambling, whimsical monologue and self-referential pantomime, heavily influenced by Monty Python, especially in his use of a stream-of-consciousness delivery that jumps between topics as he free associates on stage.

He does not generally work from a script, owing to his dyslexia.

Instead, he interrupts himself with new joke ideas, the characters he portrays turn into other characters, and he nonchalantly leaps from historical analysis to musings about household appliances.

This often results in brief pauses in the routine which he fills with ’so, yeah,’ and other verbal tics that have become his trademarks.

Although this clip is old, it is Eddy Izzard at his finest

Death by tray it shall be.

Death Star canteen video

Yours, while jumping about like a parrot on ritalin

Righteous

p.s. I will always defend my basic right to fight and kick and scream like a girly man, while refusing to get my act together.

Remember, some were born with it…….the silver spoon I mean

News alert: Prince Phillip enraged by remote controls.

The Duke of Edinburgh has launched a scathing attack on the design of television remotes and controls.

The famously outspoken Duke, 88, criticised designers for making handsets small and complicated and for hiding controls on television sets.

He said: “To work out how to operate a TV set you practically have to make love to the thing. And why can’t you have a handset that people who are not 10 years old can actually read.’

I would like to present an energetic defense of the Prince.

Half a century later, I still remember the good old days . . . how the royal family all played together without distinctions or hierarchy, and how easily Phillip related to people from different social and cultural milieux……..all the while undertaking his nocturnal studies by candlelight – oblivious to criticism, change or interference.

These are unspeckled memories, which I do not treat with contempt or disregard.

Yours, while being a put upon working class cog……who is suffering from the usual pulling of emotional raw nerves.

Righteous

p.s. This blog outsells the Bible.

p.p.s Somewhere……….a Christian’s head just exploded.

How to become an Olympian: part 2, landing helicopters with a half pike and a twist

12 people have been killed and a helicopter has been shot down in fierce clashes between drug gangs and police in Rio de Janeiro, weeks after the city won its bid to host the 2016 Olympics.

Two policemen were killed and two others were wounded early on Saturday when their helicopter was shot down by drug traffickers in a day of running battles in the slums of northern Rio.

Nine buses were also set on fire in surrounding neighbourhoods in retaliation for a police operation aimed at controlling heavy gun battles between rival drug gangs in the area.

Some 6,000 people were murdered in Rio in 2008 alone.

Fucking peoples shit up will replace ping pong for the Rio Olympics.

Not sporting sir.

Vaya con dios.

Yours, while giving away free fairy tales that predict next weeks winning Lotto numbers

Righteous

p.s. what you can’t smell WILL kill you.

12 die as drug gangs down chopper in Rio

When a moral posture takes on a slouch

News from the Northern Territory

No oral sex, says ute crash waitress.

A woman accused of performing a sexual act on a man when he crashed in Darwin’s rural area is outraged at the allegation and says it is “absolutely wrong”.

Allyson White said the burn mark left by her seatbelt across her chest was proof the claims of “amorous activities” with the driver were not true.

“I was not sucking his dick – and it’s pretty obvious that wasn’t the case … you only have to look at the mark on my chest,” she said.

“Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it’s impossible that I’d be leaning over sucking his dick unless he is hung like a donkey or I’ve got a fucking rubber neck”

Well, that’s good to know, because I thought you could show someone from the Northern Territory a stupid risk, and they would take it.

Yours, while becoming an invisible snarling dog with unknown intentions, even if, in the right context, the dog itself would be innocuous.

Righteous

p.s. All you need to write a blog is a gun and a girl.

She didn’t say no. She just didn’t say yes. But I think she nodded

Reports surfaced today of a very strange lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court against Dr. Phil McGraw.

The lawsuit includes many claims, but most notable are false imprisonment, practicing without a license and indecent exposure.

Shirley Rae Dieu, 56, of Irvine, Calif., claims she was seeking therapy from Dr. Phil in his Hollywood office in 2007 when she allegedly was held captive and “forced to be in the same room with a completely live naked man while he exposed his entire naked body, genitals and all,” according to her filing.

Dieu further alleges she was deprived of sleep and food, “brainwashed” and “subjected to edited tapings depicting her as a different personality other than her own.”

Yours, while closing my eyes and summoning the fond smells of childhood . . . and the aroma that fills the nostrils of my memory is the sulfurous, protein-dissolving fetor of Nair.

Righteous

p.s. I worked in the make-up department on Dr Phil’s show, and would sit in the wings during rehearsals, ready to dart forward and titivate Dr Phil’s hair when required.

If these scrawls could talk, would they add up to 13?

triskaidekaphobia \tris-ky-dek-uh-FOH-bee-uh\, noun: fear or a phobia concerning the number 13.

The Apollo 13 mission, launched on April 11, 1970 (the sum of 4, 11 and 70 equals 85 – which when added together comes to 13), from Pad 39 (three times 13) at 13:13 local time, was struck by an explosion on April 13.

Bah humbug. Numbers. You can make them say anything.

When it’s time to pay the piper, it’s time………..

Yours, while sharing the pain, but also sharing the fame

Righteous

p.s. I just got told I’ve got a weird shaped head.

The wingnut right leads with its chin. Again. And again. And again

So far, the far right have called Barack Obama….

Terrorist, Hitler, Communist, Fascist, Marxist, Socialist, Appeaser, Kenyan, Muslim, Egotist.

They’re right. Except they’re not.

He is clearly a dangerous individual – but what they miss is that he is really a polygamist, homosexual, criminal, bourgeois Santa Claus disguised as the Easter Bunny who is prostitute drug dealing pole dancer monopolist bra burning tax dodger chinaman crack whore spongebob who puts furry ferrets in his ears while having devil worshiping child sacrificing sex with autistic Llamas while smoking the White House lawn.

For people who call themselves the far right, how come they can’t get anything right?

Especially something so obvious.

Yours, while confusing the difference between reality and chatter, but you like it right?

Righteous

p.s. do mothers of ugly babies think their ugly baby is ugly?