The reality of his beautiful ringlets
PJenner15 said: I read on some highly reputable news site like mcconnaughylovers.com that Matthew McConnascrotum is going to be a father again. That’s beautiful. I had no idea you could become impregnated purely from mind fucking a b grade celeb from afar. You’re glowing, Righteous – and I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful mother. This time around anyway.
Righteous said: You are quite the beast aren’t you PJenner15 – and a compliment from someone with hair like a redneck rapist is high praise indeed. While spending some down time at the Pimp Cafe, I came up with my action plan, it was only a matter of time before I met success coming the other way:
How to impregnate B list movie star:
- Keep a sock filled with cum in your backpack whenever travelling
- Expect that, at some point, you’re going to cross paths with your stalking subject
- Say ”Hello hair, your bounce, definition, frizz and dream curls make me get my funk on”
- When subject leaves room to call police, extract sock from backpack
- Smear sock on bongos
- To ensure success, also smear on all underwear, toothbrush and his curling iron.
- Take whatever personal items you can to make voodoo fertility doll before police arrive
- Get confirmation of pregnancy from Perez Hilton website
- Prepare demand for hush money
- Have film crew on standby for when FBI arrives
- Become the geeky version of Jerry springer
- Do the time. Meet Mr Big in the shower block nightly. Search for yourself while he repeats over and over “I’m going to fuck your shit up Homes”
- Contemplate your sorry arse
- Listen to your hips, lose some weight.
- Go on Larry King Live. Cry. Larry says suck it up fella
- Go on ‘I’m a celebrity, get me out of here’ and guest star on Sesame St.
- Publish cook book
- Strike interweb gold with Youtube video of yourself shooting off a few rounds while aiming at blow-up dolls with Matthew McConnaughy’s face glued on.
- Due to some aspect of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, slip into a different alternate universe that is completely identical to the one you left, except for a tiny, almost unnoticeable but very real, difference.
- Have sex change operation
- Think emotionally, act deductively
- Move to Fiji to get your shit together and chill the fuck out
- Return to LA, run around with sharp words, fall down, stabbing yourself with a adjective while avoiding cliches
- Smoke to avoid eating, get as skinny as Kate Moss, fine tune that sunken cheekbone look
- Target Lindsay Lohan
- Repeat
Yours, while watching stoned wallabies make crop circles
Righteous
p.s. why do all the old timers have high pants?
Maybe whilst chillin at the Pimp Cafe you could find a way to come up with some of your own material rather than relying on me, Chutson and the ALP to provide 75% of your blogging topics?
Me, Chutson and the ALP – what a great name for a cabaret band. Maybe you could be mediocre at music too?. Parting is always such sweet satisfaction. Booooo-yaaaaaaa bitchhhhhhhhh………
And yet I seem to be dealing with my own mediocrity far better than you’re dealing with your banality.
Go figure.
Note to self, old saying – only speak when it improves the silence